Violin

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.

Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.

Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
The autograph book
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.

"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire." Contacting a friend
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"

Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"

Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"

Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
Here is your punishment
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"