Answering Machine Message - 28

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

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If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...

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Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.

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After a power outage: Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.

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Start, low pitch, slow: Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... Middle, normal: ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... Later, high pitch, fast: ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish: ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP

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This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

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Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

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Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

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Richard Nixon voice: Hi... Uh, some people say I sound like Richard Nixon... I BEG your pardon! Uh... Everyone's out right now, so I'm uh... Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and message promptly at the beep... I don't want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now... Come on you, BEEP.

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US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice: Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.