Answering Machine Message - 31

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

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Theme music from Peter Gunn: My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.

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To scare off annoying liberals: Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message...

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Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over.

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You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

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Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't too serious, leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day.

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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

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You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone and we'll get around to it...

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Hi! This is Mary. I'm afflicted with lysdexic procrastination. Please leave your message before the tone and I'll get around to getting it straight.

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Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.